Hello.
This day three years ago my life was changed forever. My sister was diagnosed with skin cancer for the second time. This time,
"There is nothing they can do."
I didn't know who 'they' were at this stage and I didn't like how I found out. But I suppose there is never a right or wrong place to be told this heartbreaking information.
Today I am very angry. I want to run away. Probably the exact same feelings I have had now for the last three years. I think what I am learning is that there is no way to deal with grief. Everyone is different but, the way I do feel 2 & a half years on is like I'm a toddler throwing my toys out my pram. A spoilt brat. I'm not. I just feel like I'm preventing my life of happiness because of whats happened. I feel so glum I don't want anything. This morning I was so angry I said,
" It should have been me who got cancer and died. I don't have 3 children to look after."
Should I move on? Should I still be feeling all of these alien emotions. I can't move on?! That means completely forgetting about my sister. And leading a normal life. My friend said it right,
"We're in the club that no one wants to be in."
Its another story but she lost her brother recently. Its true. If I was you, I wouldn't want to be me. I want my sister back. I want my life back, how it used to be.
Jealousy is another emotion that comes with it..... I'm jealous if you have never lost someone like I have. Nope sorry, a pet cat, goldfish or very old grand parent does not count. Hate me for saying that last one but they have lived their life and seen their children (and grandchildren) throughout every stage of their life.
"So unfair." - something I say to myself quite a lot. Yes I know, its not achieving much. Its just more of a cry for help than anything. Count your blessings every day, I did this anyway. Thats another reason why I feel so hurt. My family don't deserve all the shit we've been through. I have never taken my family for granted, they are my world. And for people to say,
"It makes you realise what you got!"
No, no, I always knew and as young as I can remember losing that was ny biggest fear. So I feel very angry with the world? Because why did this happen to me? Why hasnit happened? Why did it happen? *tumbkeweed* There is no answer and I will probably ask those very somilar questions until I can't speak no more. So maybe thats the first step of dealing with grief. In order to move on I need to except that it has not personally happened to me. I sometimes think it has happened to me because I am a bad person. Do I deserve this pain? No I am not a bad person. In order to move on I need to accept its life. Life is a very contradictive word in all reality.
Grief is something we will all experience one day so why is it such a taboo!? I'm just gutted I'm experiencing it now and this way, on top of everything else being a confused lost 25 year old girl. It is rather a strange age for someone to grieve. I was 22 when my sister was stolen from me.
At the moment, this blog is a go to place to let random thoughts running through my mind sit tight somewhere else as they create this dangerous fog in my head. Soon when I want to and when I can find the time I will write my story...
