5am.

The last post was actually written on Friday night when my soul had been swallowed up by the sofa along with a Dominos take away. I just didn't know whether or not I should post it. But I figured this blog is about letting go and just posting what I have written. Done. 

I went out on Sunday too. It was a really good night. I literally danced my heart out since Thursday. 

Saturday was Record Store Day. It was an odd day. Since my stupid actions on Thursday night I laid off the booze. I was anxious the whole time. Hated the crowds and like my general mood for everything, I just couldn't see the point. I decided to leave, I wasn't helping anyone and especially not myself....

I then went back, due to paranoia, the feeling of missing out on something and my instinct. I had a beer. This made me feel better. How sad is that, I am not an alcoholic. But it did help. And yes, probably in a,

 'hair of the dog,' 

sense seeing as I was probably still a bit hungover from Thursday night. Like any high comes a big low. I even had a big comedown after the sky dive I did, the highest high I'll ever get. Thats another post for another time. Do not get me wrong, I am not talking about illegal highs, just the highs and lows of life. I seem to be one or the other. I feel bad about any fun I have. A terrible feeling. I'm learning not to care but thats my problem I care too much! I'd get straight into The Collage of not Caring. Is that is a real place.

Saturday was one of those days where the memories were a little too cliche because they got so good. Music, dancing, friends, (crazy) new friends, my boyfriend, shaking hands with the DJ thanking him  and it just ending with me and my favourite one in the corner taking it all in. The DJ being Lo Shea (pronounced Lo She). He. Was. sick! Pumping techno vibes but not too dark always got the crowd lifting their arms up. The venue as well. Oh, the venue. It was everything you could have dreamed of if you're into partying. So happy. Its in fact the basement of Phonica Records called The Vinyl Factory. It's a huge, white open warehouse space. Perfect amount of pillars as to not obstruct the DJ. A glassed roof to let as much light in as possible. This was pretty special as Ricky and I wanted to dance in the light as much as possible. Normally on a night out you start dancing in the dark then as the kick drums and high hats make time go by, the sun rises and your eyes are pierced wide open by tomorrow which is in fact today yet you have just dance the night away into the future. Love that sensation. This is how I felt on Sunday, dancing the night away with no cares until BOOM, you leave the club and its broad day light! How is this possible because while dancing I don't think of time escaping me. I think time is with me. Like time will not move away from me for once. I have a rule for nights out. No watch aloud on my wrist. I hate knowing the time. I was having such a great time that I realised what the time was for the first time when it was 5am. I then panicked.... No, don't panic. Thats a waste of time. I just thoroughly enjoyed every second of the last hour hoping the DJ will announce he'll play for another hour. Its probably a good thing the music stopped when it did, 

'Back to life. Back to reality.'

Think it was Buddha who once said, 

'The trouble is, you think you have time.'

This quote scares the sh*! out of me. Thats why I feel bad for having fun. Like its time wasted because the next day I am a write off. Exhausted and sad. But its totally worth it. Or is it. I certainly don't think its helped me through grief. Don't think anything is... On the other hand its making the most of time by dancing the night away in a very poetic way like the lasers are the stars and the moon and the music is the sound from all around the universe except only you can hear it and feel differently from every one else on the dance floor. I always feel like I love it the most. I really appreciate how the music makes me feel. I just need to stop feeling bad for having fun.

I know, third post in and your thinking how are any of these significant to my grief and I haven't even spoke about my loss. Every post so far is just about what I suppose has got me through each day however, I don't necessarily feel better, I feel worse. Help! I will do many many posts all about my sister but its not the right time. I'm also dreading it. Perhaps I'm scared of how it will make me feel. Or a blog post isn't enough. I'm also very excited about writing about her. I also haven't told you her name yet. Its beautiful...

Another big problem that isn't helping me with my other big problem, good grief, is searching for a job. I feel very lost in this gigantic universe right now. What is the point. I need to go to the doctor. That will probably be a waste of time. They won't want to help, just so they can keep the population down. 

Currently listening to Bombay Bicycle Club - So long, see you tomorrow. And an album by Theme Park. 

'7" of SADNESS'

'No Title'

Today was a bad day. I had a fight last night with alcohol and it won!

The music & venue were spot on and what was even better was the company! 

Music is very important to me. I would say it was my first love. House music in particular. Its soulful, beautiful and happy. The lyics are quite gospel. They preach about love and life.  I had a moment last night when the music really got to me and made me miss my sister so much that I felt claustrophobic and as though I could have stopped breathing then & there. I suppose I have a had a lot of those,

         'Last night a DJ saved my life,'

moments. But this time the music made things worse. I'm sure it was definitely probably, no maybe about it, the fact I was intoxicated by prosecco and other spirits. But I just cried and nobody wants to cry on a night out. Tears on the dance floor?! This is sad. I was surprised at myself because yeah, I have done this before but I can usually predict my emotions but not this time. My boyfriend lifted me up. Like he always has done over the last couple of years. Gave me a cuddle and then we carried on dancing! *insert smiley emoticon here*

Normally I embrace everything the music makes me feel. I pretend my sister is always with me on nights out. I close my eyes and imagine her dancing right beside me. Sometimes, I strongly believe she is there with me. She loved dancing. She was a great dancer! I have a strong connection with her through music! Its hard to explain and it sounds crazy but I can feel her on nights out sometimes. Thats a special moment. It must be a spiritual thing. The feeling doesnt last all night but when she leaves my side I don't feel sad because I know she will be back. I feel sad because its not real. I want her physically next to me. Its a tease! 

I made same bad choices last night. 

Tomorrow is another day. Another day of not seeing my Sister. I dread the day in years to come when I would have not seen my sister for longer then I have seen her. Sorry, very depressing post today. This is what grief is like. Good, bad & ugly. I will see the beauty in life though! I must. 

I asked Ricky to take a photo of me showing I am trying my best to be happy because this is what my sister wants. They say,

'Your eyes are the windows to your soul.'

I was happy in this moment. But I ended the night badly. I have lost that happy sparkle in my eye. I'm determined to get it back. Watch this space...

Hello.

I'm not sure how to tackle this blog. 

I've had a blog before but it was a random diary of colourful events themed around fashion shoots, things that interest me in life, music, fashion, photography, tea, people and something I did a lot in my first two years as a raving griever... going out! I had a blog because it was somewhere to store photos and share them. I had dreams of becoming a fashion photographer and this was a medium to gain experience with. That dream might still come true but, my life has taken a detour at the moment, a tragic one. This blog will be different.

My life was turned upside down on a very unfortunate Friday 13th May (2011). My Sister was diagnosed with skin cancer. The dreaded C word. I don't even want to give the noun a capital letter. My sister put up the fight of her life, literally but was sadly taken from us 6 months later. On October 6th 2011 I was one sibling short and not sure how I was going to live my life without her.

I feel like I am one in a million. I'm not.

I feel like an alien. I'm definitely not. 

I feel like I have some sort of mental health problem. I don't think I do. 

I feel like I've been going crazy for the last two years. I haven't. 

I feel like I have a disease that no doctor has ever come across before and there is no cure. I don't have a disease, luckily! I feel like I walk around with those silly glasses on where the eye balls hang out on springs. I don't. 

I am just dealing with grief. Or living my life plagued by grief as it sometimes feels.

So,  I consciously named my blog "Good Grief." Its a saying we use when we're shocked, the same as, "good god!' Language really interests me and this particular saying baffles me now I know what I know. Nothing about grief is good. Nothing. I'm hoping this blog will be some sort of therapy for me and I'm hoping to reach out to others too that are dealing with a similar problem. I do have a special book I write in. I only let my Mum read it though. It's covered in butterflies. The meaning of butterflies will become clearer as I write more. I do understand the saying because the amount of grief is so huge but they are two words in my opinion that should never be sitting next to each other.

As I write more and more you will see I have learnt to see the good in very bad circumstances but thats what you do. Positivity is key. Another cruel lesson I have learnt is how true these three words are,

 'life goes on.' 

As cruel as it sounds, it has to. This blog will be a way for me to deal with grief (hopefully). I got my camera out today. I have neglected it for years! Very sad. I'm going to post pictures from the past and present. Write posts about things that have got me through these days, all the things that make me happy, my gorgeous family, my life and I'll write about my story. Why do I feel the need to share all this with you? Because grief is a very lonely and overwhelming experience and I am at a very rare age to go through it the way I did. A lot of people go through it and I want to shake off the taboo and make it easy for people to talk about because then maybe I wouldn't feel like an alien or like no one cares.  I am a tiny part of this very vast universe and I don't want anyone to feel the way I have done in the last two years. I want to feel like life is worth living because what else do we have?! So lets talk about it. Bear with me, my grammar isn't up to scratch and I'm not a great writer either. 

Currently listening to BONOBO - LateNightTales. 

Beautiful music and beautiful blue skies. 

I hope you enjoy my pictures!

Kat x 

"iPhone vs Canon"