'No Title'

Today was a bad day. I had a fight last night with alcohol and it won!

The music & venue were spot on and what was even better was the company! 

Music is very important to me. I would say it was my first love. House music in particular. Its soulful, beautiful and happy. The lyics are quite gospel. They preach about love and life.  I had a moment last night when the music really got to me and made me miss my sister so much that I felt claustrophobic and as though I could have stopped breathing then & there. I suppose I have a had a lot of those,

         'Last night a DJ saved my life,'

moments. But this time the music made things worse. I'm sure it was definitely probably, no maybe about it, the fact I was intoxicated by prosecco and other spirits. But I just cried and nobody wants to cry on a night out. Tears on the dance floor?! This is sad. I was surprised at myself because yeah, I have done this before but I can usually predict my emotions but not this time. My boyfriend lifted me up. Like he always has done over the last couple of years. Gave me a cuddle and then we carried on dancing! *insert smiley emoticon here*

Normally I embrace everything the music makes me feel. I pretend my sister is always with me on nights out. I close my eyes and imagine her dancing right beside me. Sometimes, I strongly believe she is there with me. She loved dancing. She was a great dancer! I have a strong connection with her through music! Its hard to explain and it sounds crazy but I can feel her on nights out sometimes. Thats a special moment. It must be a spiritual thing. The feeling doesnt last all night but when she leaves my side I don't feel sad because I know she will be back. I feel sad because its not real. I want her physically next to me. Its a tease! 

I made same bad choices last night. 

Tomorrow is another day. Another day of not seeing my Sister. I dread the day in years to come when I would have not seen my sister for longer then I have seen her. Sorry, very depressing post today. This is what grief is like. Good, bad & ugly. I will see the beauty in life though! I must. 

I asked Ricky to take a photo of me showing I am trying my best to be happy because this is what my sister wants. They say,

'Your eyes are the windows to your soul.'

I was happy in this moment. But I ended the night badly. I have lost that happy sparkle in my eye. I'm determined to get it back. Watch this space...