Waiting...

I don't know what to call this post. 

I'm in a waiting room in a hospital. I hate hospitals. The reason why I am here is totally unrelated to why I have visited them before but, they remind me of times I had to visit Claire and my Mum. The sense of unease and disease. Depressing is the wrong word. Whats worse? The fear of the unkown. Hopefully my little health problem is nothing but still its all too familiar here and I don't like it. Sad face. Quivering chin. 

I am feeling VERY paranoid and unlucky at the moment. Bloody typical. I got here early and now its a 1 hour and 15 minute wait for appointments. Oh jolly good. People always laugh at me when I say things like this. I am genuinely annoyed so don't laugh because I am not trying to make comedy out of a smelly, claustrophobic, cancerous memory filled situation. 

My anxiety is AWFUL. Yes, I have put a few words in capital letters now as I feel the level of extremeity is bigger than lower case, bigger then this HTML page and bigger then anyone can understand. And I don't feel like anyone even wants to understand. It is SUCH an (actual) acheivement when I go through my day I dont wish I didn't exist. I had a great day today. Starting my daying fighting anxiety is exhausting. It was sports day today. I made sure I supported and encouraged my team. Something I have to do daily for myself. I could see it in the childrens faces as they got more tired and they each started to give up towards the end of the huge assault course. I raised their awarness to quote of the day that I introduced weeks ago. A simple one,

"Don't give up!"

I try my best to practise everything I preach so in me helping the children I remind mysled whats important about living. I love my job it really makesmy heart glow. 

Another thing that keeps upsetting me is this....

The level of effort I put into my relationships. I certainly and have never got this level of respect or interest back. I an always first to think of someone else, always first to text someone. I really dont feel like anyone (apart from Ricky, not saying that this isn't enough, it is. Its more infact but, everyone needs friends and at the moment all mine seem to be imaginary.) thinks about me or thinks, oh I'm going to see how Kat is. This is probably a whole other blog post about friendship but let me say this... If any of my "friends" go through what I have been through and still am experiencing I hope they are treated better then I have been supported. 

Yep, still waiting, in the waiting room. I am hating this as its just more time for my thoughts to run wild in my head and piss me off. Help!

Too tired to type now. 

20-something.

A picture of a moment in time in our bedroom. A moment in time that makes me feel better. I hope you can see the beauty of it. The refreshing light and the colours of calm and comfort. Good memories in my first flat with Ricky.  Even when it rains I still love this window. It makes the world seem exciting yet peaceful. Just for a moment. 

Tea. Yes. 

                  "enjoy me"

Yep, still here. Unfortunately.

Still grieving. 

Sometimes I'm not sure why I feel the way I do about everything in my life. It must be me, my hormones and everything amplified by my loss. My uncertainty for everything. I'm even scared the barriers at Stockwell station tomorrow morning will slam shut in my face and hurt me. Paranoid. 

Apparently your twenties are about finding yourself. I'm not sure where I am. 

I am lost. 

Quite proud of myself for being able to admit this. Yeah sure all my friends are having a really hard, scary time too but everything is worse for me. Paying rent, finding that dream job? Having sex with your boyfriend so he doesn't get bored and leave you. Waxing your vagina (AKA, pussy for all you who cringe at that scientific word. Yes I am a feminist). Shaving my legs is definitely a seasonal thing. Haha. I know, around of applause for admitting and voicing this truth for almost every girl out there? Haha. Sorry, tandgent. Sure life is not easy and theres a quote somewhere about its not what you go through... Its not how many mountains you climb its how you start each journey, tackle it and deal with it? Think I just made that up but I think you get my jist?

I am also very confused. I am excited that we shall live in a new flat but I cry now and I will cry the day we leave. Like the ten year old who didn't want to leave 12 St James Close. Leaving and goodbyes are so painful even after a sunday roast with my mum and dad. Its just this flat! This flat, try to understand this... It has has been the ocean for the mermaid. The farm yard to the cow. 

The horizon for the bird. I could go on. Home. The most settled little piece of heaven Ive had for about 5-7 years! Lucky 33C. And now I have to leave it. Just scared of the unknown I guess. Of course everyone is, but it always seems to be a little darker for me. 

***

Yes yes, it is my challenge to accept what has happened and deal with it in my (best) way. Part of this angry, honest, one side of me blog must be one way of dealing with it. 

I'm not sure what the point of all this...........is. No one does but I don't see the point anymore. How sad. Morose even. 

Did I mention I'm lost. I get so angry sometimes that I blurt out,

'It should have been ME!'

My sister had more of a purpose here on planet earth and I was barely graduated. It should have been me. 

I have no money. I just had to borrow £50 off my Mum to get me out of my OD. I'm 25. Whatever. I don't actually care that I'm not paying off my first mortgage yet but I am very unhappy as I don't have any security in my life. Of course I do compared to a new born baby in poverty in Africa or a poverty stricken family trying to cross war bound borders. But grief takes away any comfort that you had in thinking... Yeah, I'm doing alright with this Life thing. Its not that hard, I mean its hard but not as hard as seeing your sister and mother go through cancer and have your heart riped into pieces still inside of you so your still breathing and shit and you can feel every inch of the blood pumping flesh being torn up and turned into an engine of hatred, jealously and sadness. And breath. 

What I will say is... I was actually in a happy place a week ago. I know are you shocked? Despite feeling all these feelings, the sun was shining, I saw my loved ones, we cuddled and opened birthday gifts for my Dads bday. Yes, thankful he isn't with my sister looking down on me after surviving two heart attacks. I had an amazing roast dinner in the sunshine with my lovely boyfriend and drank cider. And with every sip, giggle, blink, breathe and guilty fork of pork belly, I was grateful and loved it all. Half term hasn't been great. Its been quite cloudy, literally because of the gloomy weather and mainly my mood. Comedown after comedown, after a high daytime to night. I have a love hate relationship with my life at the moment. I love it. I hate it. Just incase you don't know what a love hate kinda thing is. Haha. 

Glad its Monday tomorrow. I'm going to sort my bloody life out. 

P.s very aware I haven't written about my sister, my mother or even my father because thats where it started. But for now I feel I don't have to because I'm talking and exploring how grief is making me feel. It will be three years ago in October. I don't feel like the seven-ish stages of grief have healed at all, the only thing I think is changing is us getting used to someone you should share everything with, not being here. And that just shouldnt be at all. Please come back Claire, yours faithfully, your little sister, Kat. 

For Claire. Remember that name.