Waiting...

I don't know what to call this post. 

I'm in a waiting room in a hospital. I hate hospitals. The reason why I am here is totally unrelated to why I have visited them before but, they remind me of times I had to visit Claire and my Mum. The sense of unease and disease. Depressing is the wrong word. Whats worse? The fear of the unkown. Hopefully my little health problem is nothing but still its all too familiar here and I don't like it. Sad face. Quivering chin. 

I am feeling VERY paranoid and unlucky at the moment. Bloody typical. I got here early and now its a 1 hour and 15 minute wait for appointments. Oh jolly good. People always laugh at me when I say things like this. I am genuinely annoyed so don't laugh because I am not trying to make comedy out of a smelly, claustrophobic, cancerous memory filled situation. 

My anxiety is AWFUL. Yes, I have put a few words in capital letters now as I feel the level of extremeity is bigger than lower case, bigger then this HTML page and bigger then anyone can understand. And I don't feel like anyone even wants to understand. It is SUCH an (actual) acheivement when I go through my day I dont wish I didn't exist. I had a great day today. Starting my daying fighting anxiety is exhausting. It was sports day today. I made sure I supported and encouraged my team. Something I have to do daily for myself. I could see it in the childrens faces as they got more tired and they each started to give up towards the end of the huge assault course. I raised their awarness to quote of the day that I introduced weeks ago. A simple one,

"Don't give up!"

I try my best to practise everything I preach so in me helping the children I remind mysled whats important about living. I love my job it really makesmy heart glow. 

Another thing that keeps upsetting me is this....

The level of effort I put into my relationships. I certainly and have never got this level of respect or interest back. I an always first to think of someone else, always first to text someone. I really dont feel like anyone (apart from Ricky, not saying that this isn't enough, it is. Its more infact but, everyone needs friends and at the moment all mine seem to be imaginary.) thinks about me or thinks, oh I'm going to see how Kat is. This is probably a whole other blog post about friendship but let me say this... If any of my "friends" go through what I have been through and still am experiencing I hope they are treated better then I have been supported. 

Yep, still waiting, in the waiting room. I am hating this as its just more time for my thoughts to run wild in my head and piss me off. Help!

Too tired to type now. 

20-something.

A picture of a moment in time in our bedroom. A moment in time that makes me feel better. I hope you can see the beauty of it. The refreshing light and the colours of calm and comfort. Good memories in my first flat with Ricky.  Even when it rains I still love this window. It makes the world seem exciting yet peaceful. Just for a moment. 

Tea. Yes. 

                  "enjoy me"

Yep, still here. Unfortunately.

Still grieving. 

Sometimes I'm not sure why I feel the way I do about everything in my life. It must be me, my hormones and everything amplified by my loss. My uncertainty for everything. I'm even scared the barriers at Stockwell station tomorrow morning will slam shut in my face and hurt me. Paranoid. 

Apparently your twenties are about finding yourself. I'm not sure where I am. 

I am lost. 

Quite proud of myself for being able to admit this. Yeah sure all my friends are having a really hard, scary time too but everything is worse for me. Paying rent, finding that dream job? Having sex with your boyfriend so he doesn't get bored and leave you. Waxing your vagina (AKA, pussy for all you who cringe at that scientific word. Yes I am a feminist). Shaving my legs is definitely a seasonal thing. Haha. I know, around of applause for admitting and voicing this truth for almost every girl out there? Haha. Sorry, tandgent. Sure life is not easy and theres a quote somewhere about its not what you go through... Its not how many mountains you climb its how you start each journey, tackle it and deal with it? Think I just made that up but I think you get my jist?

I am also very confused. I am excited that we shall live in a new flat but I cry now and I will cry the day we leave. Like the ten year old who didn't want to leave 12 St James Close. Leaving and goodbyes are so painful even after a sunday roast with my mum and dad. Its just this flat! This flat, try to understand this... It has has been the ocean for the mermaid. The farm yard to the cow. 

The horizon for the bird. I could go on. Home. The most settled little piece of heaven Ive had for about 5-7 years! Lucky 33C. And now I have to leave it. Just scared of the unknown I guess. Of course everyone is, but it always seems to be a little darker for me. 

***

Yes yes, it is my challenge to accept what has happened and deal with it in my (best) way. Part of this angry, honest, one side of me blog must be one way of dealing with it. 

I'm not sure what the point of all this...........is. No one does but I don't see the point anymore. How sad. Morose even. 

Did I mention I'm lost. I get so angry sometimes that I blurt out,

'It should have been ME!'

My sister had more of a purpose here on planet earth and I was barely graduated. It should have been me. 

I have no money. I just had to borrow £50 off my Mum to get me out of my OD. I'm 25. Whatever. I don't actually care that I'm not paying off my first mortgage yet but I am very unhappy as I don't have any security in my life. Of course I do compared to a new born baby in poverty in Africa or a poverty stricken family trying to cross war bound borders. But grief takes away any comfort that you had in thinking... Yeah, I'm doing alright with this Life thing. Its not that hard, I mean its hard but not as hard as seeing your sister and mother go through cancer and have your heart riped into pieces still inside of you so your still breathing and shit and you can feel every inch of the blood pumping flesh being torn up and turned into an engine of hatred, jealously and sadness. And breath. 

What I will say is... I was actually in a happy place a week ago. I know are you shocked? Despite feeling all these feelings, the sun was shining, I saw my loved ones, we cuddled and opened birthday gifts for my Dads bday. Yes, thankful he isn't with my sister looking down on me after surviving two heart attacks. I had an amazing roast dinner in the sunshine with my lovely boyfriend and drank cider. And with every sip, giggle, blink, breathe and guilty fork of pork belly, I was grateful and loved it all. Half term hasn't been great. Its been quite cloudy, literally because of the gloomy weather and mainly my mood. Comedown after comedown, after a high daytime to night. I have a love hate relationship with my life at the moment. I love it. I hate it. Just incase you don't know what a love hate kinda thing is. Haha. 

Glad its Monday tomorrow. I'm going to sort my bloody life out. 

P.s very aware I haven't written about my sister, my mother or even my father because thats where it started. But for now I feel I don't have to because I'm talking and exploring how grief is making me feel. It will be three years ago in October. I don't feel like the seven-ish stages of grief have healed at all, the only thing I think is changing is us getting used to someone you should share everything with, not being here. And that just shouldnt be at all. Please come back Claire, yours faithfully, your little sister, Kat. 

For Claire. Remember that name. 

Today.

Today was beautiful. For the last couple of days I've had that clear, calm and peaceful feeling. 

Happiness. 

There are many ways of describing it and one way is feeling and thinking, my sister would be happy that I'm happy so what else is there to be?! My week didn't start great and Tueaday was a bad day. The week got better. Even when negativity or anger leapt on me I would push it away like a tiger cub with boxing gloves on. 

Sunsets are very special to me...

Goodnight x

Friday the 13th.

Hello.  

This day three years ago my life was changed forever. My sister was diagnosed with skin cancer for the second time. This time, 

         "There is nothing they can do."

I didn't know who 'they' were at this stage and I didn't like how I found out. But I suppose there is never a right or wrong place to be told this heartbreaking information. 

Today I am very angry. I want to run away. Probably the exact same feelings I have had now for the last three years. I think what I am learning is that there is no way to deal with grief. Everyone is different but, the way I do feel 2 & a half years on is like I'm a toddler throwing my toys out my pram. A spoilt brat. I'm not. I just feel like I'm preventing my life of happiness because of whats happened. I  feel so glum I don't want anything. This morning I was so angry I said,

" It should have been me who got cancer and died. I don't have 3 children to look after."

Should I move on? Should I still be feeling all of these alien emotions. I can't move on?! That means completely forgetting about my sister. And leading a normal life. My friend said it right,

"We're in the club that no one wants to be in."

Its another story but she lost her brother recently. Its true. If I was you, I wouldn't want to be me. I want my sister back. I want my life back, how it used to be. 

Jealousy is another emotion that comes with it..... I'm jealous if you have never lost someone like I have. Nope sorry, a pet cat, goldfish or very old grand parent does not count. Hate me for saying that last one but they have lived their life and seen their children (and grandchildren) throughout every stage of their life. 

"So unfair." - something I say to myself quite a lot. Yes I know, its not achieving much. Its just more of a cry for help than anything. Count your blessings every day, I did this anyway. Thats another reason why I feel so hurt. My family don't deserve all the shit we've been through. I have never taken my family for granted, they are my world. And for people to say,

     "It makes you realise what you got!"

No, no, I always knew and as young as I can remember losing that was ny biggest fear. So I feel very angry with the world? Because why did this happen to me? Why hasnit happened? Why did it happen? *tumbkeweed* There is no answer and I will probably ask those very somilar questions until I can't speak no more. So maybe thats the first step of dealing with grief. In order to move on I need to except that it has not personally happened to me. I sometimes think it has happened to me because I am a bad person. Do I deserve this pain? No I am not a bad person. In order to move on I need to accept its life. Life is a very contradictive word in all reality.

Grief is something we will all experience one day so why is it such a taboo!? I'm just gutted I'm experiencing it now and this way, on top of everything else being a confused lost 25 year old girl. It is rather a strange age for someone to grieve. I was 22 when my sister was stolen from me. 

At the moment, this blog is a go to place to let random thoughts running through my mind sit tight somewhere else as they create this dangerous fog in my head.  Soon when I want to and when I can find the time I will write my story...

Hello, again.

So I haven't posted in a while. I'm not sure if I have been avoidong it. I have been super busy and rushed off my feet. I'm always tired.

In order to help myself

and make the most of my youthful body and mind I have taken on a real health kick. I've done it for a bout a month now. I've always gone to the gym as exercise is sooo good for you yes, but it really helps my mind. Healthy body, healthy mind. Healthy mind? Better, happier, stronger and clearer outlook on life. Alcohol also makes me feel so bad. Such a depressant. I'm really moderating how much I drink. Well, not even drinking it. I did have a large glass of rosè last night though, it tasted so good and felt like a reward after my Bums, Tums & Thighs class! 

I've just started a Tiny Teatox....

(I bought this tea cup & saucer fromBrixton  Market) 

Watch this space... 🍓🍌🍉☕️ A few more months of hard work and I'll feel better and also more confident about wearing the dreaded bikini in Ibiza. 

5am.

The last post was actually written on Friday night when my soul had been swallowed up by the sofa along with a Dominos take away. I just didn't know whether or not I should post it. But I figured this blog is about letting go and just posting what I have written. Done. 

I went out on Sunday too. It was a really good night. I literally danced my heart out since Thursday. 

Saturday was Record Store Day. It was an odd day. Since my stupid actions on Thursday night I laid off the booze. I was anxious the whole time. Hated the crowds and like my general mood for everything, I just couldn't see the point. I decided to leave, I wasn't helping anyone and especially not myself....

I then went back, due to paranoia, the feeling of missing out on something and my instinct. I had a beer. This made me feel better. How sad is that, I am not an alcoholic. But it did help. And yes, probably in a,

 'hair of the dog,' 

sense seeing as I was probably still a bit hungover from Thursday night. Like any high comes a big low. I even had a big comedown after the sky dive I did, the highest high I'll ever get. Thats another post for another time. Do not get me wrong, I am not talking about illegal highs, just the highs and lows of life. I seem to be one or the other. I feel bad about any fun I have. A terrible feeling. I'm learning not to care but thats my problem I care too much! I'd get straight into The Collage of not Caring. Is that is a real place.

Saturday was one of those days where the memories were a little too cliche because they got so good. Music, dancing, friends, (crazy) new friends, my boyfriend, shaking hands with the DJ thanking him  and it just ending with me and my favourite one in the corner taking it all in. The DJ being Lo Shea (pronounced Lo She). He. Was. sick! Pumping techno vibes but not too dark always got the crowd lifting their arms up. The venue as well. Oh, the venue. It was everything you could have dreamed of if you're into partying. So happy. Its in fact the basement of Phonica Records called The Vinyl Factory. It's a huge, white open warehouse space. Perfect amount of pillars as to not obstruct the DJ. A glassed roof to let as much light in as possible. This was pretty special as Ricky and I wanted to dance in the light as much as possible. Normally on a night out you start dancing in the dark then as the kick drums and high hats make time go by, the sun rises and your eyes are pierced wide open by tomorrow which is in fact today yet you have just dance the night away into the future. Love that sensation. This is how I felt on Sunday, dancing the night away with no cares until BOOM, you leave the club and its broad day light! How is this possible because while dancing I don't think of time escaping me. I think time is with me. Like time will not move away from me for once. I have a rule for nights out. No watch aloud on my wrist. I hate knowing the time. I was having such a great time that I realised what the time was for the first time when it was 5am. I then panicked.... No, don't panic. Thats a waste of time. I just thoroughly enjoyed every second of the last hour hoping the DJ will announce he'll play for another hour. Its probably a good thing the music stopped when it did, 

'Back to life. Back to reality.'

Think it was Buddha who once said, 

'The trouble is, you think you have time.'

This quote scares the sh*! out of me. Thats why I feel bad for having fun. Like its time wasted because the next day I am a write off. Exhausted and sad. But its totally worth it. Or is it. I certainly don't think its helped me through grief. Don't think anything is... On the other hand its making the most of time by dancing the night away in a very poetic way like the lasers are the stars and the moon and the music is the sound from all around the universe except only you can hear it and feel differently from every one else on the dance floor. I always feel like I love it the most. I really appreciate how the music makes me feel. I just need to stop feeling bad for having fun.

I know, third post in and your thinking how are any of these significant to my grief and I haven't even spoke about my loss. Every post so far is just about what I suppose has got me through each day however, I don't necessarily feel better, I feel worse. Help! I will do many many posts all about my sister but its not the right time. I'm also dreading it. Perhaps I'm scared of how it will make me feel. Or a blog post isn't enough. I'm also very excited about writing about her. I also haven't told you her name yet. Its beautiful...

Another big problem that isn't helping me with my other big problem, good grief, is searching for a job. I feel very lost in this gigantic universe right now. What is the point. I need to go to the doctor. That will probably be a waste of time. They won't want to help, just so they can keep the population down. 

Currently listening to Bombay Bicycle Club - So long, see you tomorrow. And an album by Theme Park. 

'7" of SADNESS'

'No Title'

Today was a bad day. I had a fight last night with alcohol and it won!

The music & venue were spot on and what was even better was the company! 

Music is very important to me. I would say it was my first love. House music in particular. Its soulful, beautiful and happy. The lyics are quite gospel. They preach about love and life.  I had a moment last night when the music really got to me and made me miss my sister so much that I felt claustrophobic and as though I could have stopped breathing then & there. I suppose I have a had a lot of those,

         'Last night a DJ saved my life,'

moments. But this time the music made things worse. I'm sure it was definitely probably, no maybe about it, the fact I was intoxicated by prosecco and other spirits. But I just cried and nobody wants to cry on a night out. Tears on the dance floor?! This is sad. I was surprised at myself because yeah, I have done this before but I can usually predict my emotions but not this time. My boyfriend lifted me up. Like he always has done over the last couple of years. Gave me a cuddle and then we carried on dancing! *insert smiley emoticon here*

Normally I embrace everything the music makes me feel. I pretend my sister is always with me on nights out. I close my eyes and imagine her dancing right beside me. Sometimes, I strongly believe she is there with me. She loved dancing. She was a great dancer! I have a strong connection with her through music! Its hard to explain and it sounds crazy but I can feel her on nights out sometimes. Thats a special moment. It must be a spiritual thing. The feeling doesnt last all night but when she leaves my side I don't feel sad because I know she will be back. I feel sad because its not real. I want her physically next to me. Its a tease! 

I made same bad choices last night. 

Tomorrow is another day. Another day of not seeing my Sister. I dread the day in years to come when I would have not seen my sister for longer then I have seen her. Sorry, very depressing post today. This is what grief is like. Good, bad & ugly. I will see the beauty in life though! I must. 

I asked Ricky to take a photo of me showing I am trying my best to be happy because this is what my sister wants. They say,

'Your eyes are the windows to your soul.'

I was happy in this moment. But I ended the night badly. I have lost that happy sparkle in my eye. I'm determined to get it back. Watch this space...