I'm in a waiting room in a hospital. I hate hospitals. The reason why I am here is totally unrelated to why I have visited them before but, they remind me of times I had to visit Claire and my Mum. The sense of unease and disease. Depressing is the wrong word. Whats worse? The fear of the unkown. Hopefully my little health problem is nothing but still its all too familiar here and I don't like it. Sad face. Quivering chin.
I am feeling VERY paranoid and unlucky at the moment. Bloody typical. I got here early and now its a 1 hour and 15 minute wait for appointments. Oh jolly good. People always laugh at me when I say things like this. I am genuinely annoyed so don't laugh because I am not trying to make comedy out of a smelly, claustrophobic, cancerous memory filled situation.
My anxiety is AWFUL. Yes, I have put a few words in capital letters now as I feel the level of extremeity is bigger than lower case, bigger then this HTML page and bigger then anyone can understand. And I don't feel like anyone even wants to understand. It is SUCH an (actual) acheivement when I go through my day I dont wish I didn't exist. I had a great day today. Starting my daying fighting anxiety is exhausting. It was sports day today. I made sure I supported and encouraged my team. Something I have to do daily for myself. I could see it in the childrens faces as they got more tired and they each started to give up towards the end of the huge assault course. I raised their awarness to quote of the day that I introduced weeks ago. A simple one,
"Don't give up!"
I try my best to practise everything I preach so in me helping the children I remind mysled whats important about living. I love my job it really makesmy heart glow.
Another thing that keeps upsetting me is this....
The level of effort I put into my relationships. I certainly and have never got this level of respect or interest back. I an always first to think of someone else, always first to text someone. I really dont feel like anyone (apart from Ricky, not saying that this isn't enough, it is. Its more infact but, everyone needs friends and at the moment all mine seem to be imaginary.) thinks about me or thinks, oh I'm going to see how Kat is. This is probably a whole other blog post about friendship but let me say this... If any of my "friends" go through what I have been through and still am experiencing I hope they are treated better then I have been supported.
Yep, still waiting, in the waiting room. I am hating this as its just more time for my thoughts to run wild in my head and piss me off. Help!
Too tired to type now.
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