5am.

The last post was actually written on Friday night when my soul had been swallowed up by the sofa along with a Dominos take away. I just didn't know whether or not I should post it. But I figured this blog is about letting go and just posting what I have written. Done. 

I went out on Sunday too. It was a really good night. I literally danced my heart out since Thursday. 

Saturday was Record Store Day. It was an odd day. Since my stupid actions on Thursday night I laid off the booze. I was anxious the whole time. Hated the crowds and like my general mood for everything, I just couldn't see the point. I decided to leave, I wasn't helping anyone and especially not myself....

I then went back, due to paranoia, the feeling of missing out on something and my instinct. I had a beer. This made me feel better. How sad is that, I am not an alcoholic. But it did help. And yes, probably in a,

 'hair of the dog,' 

sense seeing as I was probably still a bit hungover from Thursday night. Like any high comes a big low. I even had a big comedown after the sky dive I did, the highest high I'll ever get. Thats another post for another time. Do not get me wrong, I am not talking about illegal highs, just the highs and lows of life. I seem to be one or the other. I feel bad about any fun I have. A terrible feeling. I'm learning not to care but thats my problem I care too much! I'd get straight into The Collage of not Caring. Is that is a real place.

Saturday was one of those days where the memories were a little too cliche because they got so good. Music, dancing, friends, (crazy) new friends, my boyfriend, shaking hands with the DJ thanking him  and it just ending with me and my favourite one in the corner taking it all in. The DJ being Lo Shea (pronounced Lo She). He. Was. sick! Pumping techno vibes but not too dark always got the crowd lifting their arms up. The venue as well. Oh, the venue. It was everything you could have dreamed of if you're into partying. So happy. Its in fact the basement of Phonica Records called The Vinyl Factory. It's a huge, white open warehouse space. Perfect amount of pillars as to not obstruct the DJ. A glassed roof to let as much light in as possible. This was pretty special as Ricky and I wanted to dance in the light as much as possible. Normally on a night out you start dancing in the dark then as the kick drums and high hats make time go by, the sun rises and your eyes are pierced wide open by tomorrow which is in fact today yet you have just dance the night away into the future. Love that sensation. This is how I felt on Sunday, dancing the night away with no cares until BOOM, you leave the club and its broad day light! How is this possible because while dancing I don't think of time escaping me. I think time is with me. Like time will not move away from me for once. I have a rule for nights out. No watch aloud on my wrist. I hate knowing the time. I was having such a great time that I realised what the time was for the first time when it was 5am. I then panicked.... No, don't panic. Thats a waste of time. I just thoroughly enjoyed every second of the last hour hoping the DJ will announce he'll play for another hour. Its probably a good thing the music stopped when it did, 

'Back to life. Back to reality.'

Think it was Buddha who once said, 

'The trouble is, you think you have time.'

This quote scares the sh*! out of me. Thats why I feel bad for having fun. Like its time wasted because the next day I am a write off. Exhausted and sad. But its totally worth it. Or is it. I certainly don't think its helped me through grief. Don't think anything is... On the other hand its making the most of time by dancing the night away in a very poetic way like the lasers are the stars and the moon and the music is the sound from all around the universe except only you can hear it and feel differently from every one else on the dance floor. I always feel like I love it the most. I really appreciate how the music makes me feel. I just need to stop feeling bad for having fun.

I know, third post in and your thinking how are any of these significant to my grief and I haven't even spoke about my loss. Every post so far is just about what I suppose has got me through each day however, I don't necessarily feel better, I feel worse. Help! I will do many many posts all about my sister but its not the right time. I'm also dreading it. Perhaps I'm scared of how it will make me feel. Or a blog post isn't enough. I'm also very excited about writing about her. I also haven't told you her name yet. Its beautiful...

Another big problem that isn't helping me with my other big problem, good grief, is searching for a job. I feel very lost in this gigantic universe right now. What is the point. I need to go to the doctor. That will probably be a waste of time. They won't want to help, just so they can keep the population down. 

Currently listening to Bombay Bicycle Club - So long, see you tomorrow. And an album by Theme Park. 

'7" of SADNESS'